Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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