Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
