Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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