We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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