Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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