your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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