Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
