My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
