Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
