i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
