sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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