i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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