I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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