i wish my penis had a tongue
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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