I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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