just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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