Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
