she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
