saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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