I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
