don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
