He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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