Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
