He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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