People in love make me want to vomit
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
