I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You pole danced in your parka.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
