I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
