I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
