she smelled like a LAN party
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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