i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Be still, my beating vagina.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
