He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
