Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
