I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
