a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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