I just saw a hot homeless man
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
