Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
