Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
