Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
