just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
