If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
