She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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