Redeem this text for a blowjob
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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