She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
