just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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