You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
