a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
