apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
