but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
