I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
