I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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