I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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