If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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