i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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