if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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