Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
