I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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