Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
